I’m on the 101 south headed to work in usual fashion when I notice a dark blue Pontiac Grand Prix, not for its mechanical excellence but his erratic driving pattern.. Well in his defense he was trying to drive wile hitting a pipe. Shit man how bad is your life/commute/job where you gotta hit a pipe before 9am? Its times like these I wish I had a Halloween mask or some other props to scare the fuck outta this guy. But still sore from the asshat who hit me; maybe not such a good idea.

Answer praying mantis: 

                     that is if anyone asked me who accompanied me with my last cigarette, it was just chillin with me on the 1st step, till obviously bored with my conservation it left.

Hopped up on the railing and hid under the ashtray. Man those fuckers move oddly….,,…,..,,…,, shake step shake step..( and a nod to Erick ) they biased a martial art after these bugs….totally fucking unrealistic….the crane…( karate kid 1 – 13, we miss you Mr. Maigi/fill in on happy days after that fat fuck Mel guy died )

   I can do the crane, and its mathematically in tune with all of my own appendages 2 wings 2 legs. Pull 1 leg up and then proceed to kick ass with said leg. But the mantis have an extra set of legs kinda sets the bar a little too fucking high in my opinion ….fuck mantis.

 I’m going to start millipede-Fu, just grow a million legs then proceed to kick ass.

                    8===========D ~ ~ ~~ ~the reproductive ritual of the mantis ( thanks again discovery channel )…..fuck then, kill…and not death via nagging to death, witch is how I will die as my magic 8-ball just confirmed. But “hi, I’m a virgin bug please permit me to mount you so post – bug love you can rip my triangular shaped head off”

( in our legal system he would have ½ his head to offer up for ass to the next mantis )

                    8===D~ ~~~ ~ I was no pro the first time I left a woman totally unsatisfied in the front seat of my station wagon, (in a dirt lot where a church stands today); But if I knew this was going not only to be my first time but hours after I was going to die in a violent fashion, that woulda really added to the pressure of my 1st time anxiety, holy fuck I bet a mantis blows his bug-butter in like 2 maybe 3 pumps.

                So I assume no one ever in the bug community actually talks about this ..          

or the sex is really worth it…or better than a lengthy divorce

I’m torn…

but in an bug village don’t all the kids figure out that no one has a father or are they convinced that all their mom’s are dykes?

            And then are they all butch cause they are cold-blooded killers or are they super hot lesboz like Sharon stone in Basic Instinct 3 ( coming soon to a cell phone screen near you) 

                  ( on a totally unrelated note I just noticed     peewee’s playhouse is back on T.V., how in the fuck did that convicted public masturbator get back on television, save a human interest peace after he hangs himself, or announcing to the world that “according to Megan’s law I’ve gotta tell you….”)

                                    But I digress…. My point is that if anyone knows any male praying mantis please let them know there is no “safe sex” option for them…..save….due to the lack of options at this point… either go gay or consider fucking totally out of your species.

                                                     If we can save just 1 mantis…imagine what a better place this world would be…….

Holy rat shit!!!!!!!! I am by no means a homo-phobe but I just saw a commercial for a gay local hot-line (and no I was not aroused) to meet with local like minded men.. I kinda figured the benefits of being gay was the abundance of man-ass, I mean mathematically if you are gay and frequent the same gay bar eventually you should hit pay dirt; shouldn’t it be relatively easy to score some hot man balloon knot.

I mean if I kept hitting up the same whore infested bar eventually ( 2-3 weeks I’d hope, either way fill in your own eventually time frame here ) I ‘d bag some tramp, and I’m factoring in competition ( that’s everything with a penis ).

At a gay bar there is a common goal and every is not only on the same team but they are also trying to fuck their teammates ……is it even called “cock blocking” at a gay bar or is it considered more of an assist, like here let me move this cock towards you, in fact lets make a train choo cho.

But I digress….if being gay means it’s just as hard as a straight guy to get ass, then what’s the fucking point? (Insert what a pain in the ass joke here)

This was just my long winded way of saying “orgy at my place tonight” and we are having chicken and stove top.

Happy fourth bitches……… I know it’s after the fact; however I had to fully digest the situation before I could truly comment on it….. Ok . Not really ….but I have a drinking problem….and said problem often results in me not finishing tasks that I desire to finish… So who blew shit up…..yeah yeah me too. But I had the unfortunate pleasure of witnessing of what I’m pretty sure of what was my one buddies ( fresh off a break up in his defense ) straight up dirty-stylin banging a chick in a community pool….and I know what most of you are thinking……how …..could this story get any worse……keep in mind that her ( 7-9 ish ) daughter was running around said pool………( this is the part where you should throw up in your mouth) all the wile. After said event we ventured north where you can still marry your sister and not have society judge you as a freak…………….. You got it Simi…………………………………… I am 1 trailer short of being a redneck but that town blows the fuck up every 4th…its like down town Bosnia, it fucking rules if you have an aching to ever ignite anything flammable I highly recommend the town my mom calls her home…

And last but not least speaking of fireworks….my ass has been exploding for hours…….I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…..taco bell was a bad idea

I like the internet….I mean really like it….( no I’m not talking about the abundance of porn ) It enables some of the weirdest shit…. Today’s example . www.getdshirts.com that’s right the asshat from saved by the bell is fucking broke and has resorted to a form on net-panhandling…at least he’s autographing shirts for your trouble, probably detracting from the shirts actually value by staining it via sharpie. This fuckstain was ( and still is ) on TV for years…..and now he’s gonna lose his house, fuck him, try to find a decent shitbox to call a house here in LA for $250 k…..can’t he just go crawl into a locker at Bayside High, or crawl back under Mr. Beldings desk. But I digress from my original point.,…. Screech’s begging has bothered more than just me…. http://www.screwscreech.com/ ( personally I would have gone with fuck screech, but I guess that could be misconstrued oh wait so could screw….oh fuck it) Behold the power of the net…… My final point is I will create a new site….. stillwanttofuckkelly.com or kellyandjesssieteamlisa.net ( oddly .com already registered )

http://www.themes.stumpnet.net

Including our FAV!

Brand New LIFE!

i really dont have much to say ….. I think pirate hooker kinda says it all.

i have an extra ticket for this weekend to see Jesse and the Rippers @ the rainbow if anyone else wants to come

Chris welcome to PirateHooker.com! Here you can post all your pearls of wisdom that we all HAVE to hear. Wishing you all the best in health, happiness and peroxide bleach!

Simon